When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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