If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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