I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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