I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
