just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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