I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
