hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
