dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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