the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
