I want to make a zoo with you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
nutella sex= disaster
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
