Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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