2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
