I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
