Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
