Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
