I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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