My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
