when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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