This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
