Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
