Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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