my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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