ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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