He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
