my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
