I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
