i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
