How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
