I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's always time for handjobs
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
