I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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