Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
