Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
