The maid of honor just puked.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
