My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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