I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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