I showed him my bush... on skype.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
