so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
