I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
