I want to have your abortion
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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