I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
