And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
