david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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