You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
