Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I am spending my child support on dildos
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
