i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
