Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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