I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
