What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
