Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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