The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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